A fellow has been stranded on a deserted island for 10 years, and this one fine day while relaxing on the beach, he looks out onto the water and notices something different, but can't quite make it out, he keeps looking and wonders to himself ...Is that a ship .....maybe a boat .....no I think it's a raft......then out of the water comes this beautiful blonde in a scuba diving suit and walks right up to him and says " When was the last time you had camel cigarette.....and he say's...." 10 long years ago".....and she unzips her wet suit and reaches in and pulls out a waterproof container and gives him a smoke. Then she looks at him and say's " When was the last time you had a drink of scotch....he say's " 10 long years ago "......she unzips her wet suit a little further and reaches in and pulls out a flask and gives it to him. Well now he's sitting there all smiles puffing on his smoke and drinking scotch and she slides right over and uzips her wet suit down to her navel and say's " When was the last time you played around......and he say's " Your kidding me, you got a set of clubs in there too !" - Contributed by W. C. Bistritan
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the
University of Georgia. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings." - Contributed by Bart DeForrest
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack Of Fricking Talent."
18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX
18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" - Contributed by Bart DeForrest
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a PetroL Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!" As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods. "And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man. "They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus", says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting!"